In reading through the blogs of a few friends of mine... the questions of 'who am I?' and 'what do I want?' have been brought to the surface of my mind by their own confessions to the wide abyss [hell] of the internets. Not going within the boundaries that were so painstakingly and yet unconsciously set around this little plot of cyberspace that I 'plant' my writings on, I decided to take a stab at trying to answer said questions, though we can all be sure I'll fail most miserably.
Who am I to others? I can't even be sure, these days especially. I seem to be a friend, at least I'd hope, a source of amusement.. someone who can be given the occupation of listening to others problems, though I cannot necessarily help them through said problems, which normally ends in unhappy parties on both ends; in that case, I'm wondering why we even bother.
More often than not I'm one of the first gone to when a problem arises, which I suppose should be a fact that flatters me but at times it makes me wonder why, exactly, I seem to be the best person for that particular purpose, though I'll never complain.
Once upon a time I was rather unnoticed, a wallflower so to speak [though that hasn't changed much, but that'll be addressed further down]. These days it seems I'm noticed a sure bit more often, though why exactly I don't think I'll really ever know. People say it's because I'm an easy person to talk to, that I'm kind, that I'm attractive, even. Though even with those factors.. being noticed doesn't exactly make one more social, does it? No. It simply makes them become less so at times, truly. As for that fact, I can't be too certain there, either. [Damned lot of indecisiveness, isn't there?] I'd think it has something to do with the sudden switch of popularity from being oh-so-used to the sidelines and shadows to being thrown into the spotlight.
Just the other day I was approached by an acquaintance. She told me she wished that she were one bit as beautiful, charismatic and kind as I am; to say the least, I was absolutely flabbergasted.
Out of the three above, kind is the only one I can justify. It's a known truth that I don't go out of my way to make other's lives unpleasant, nor do I intentionally insult unless the case includes extreme dislike [hate] or emotion such as acute hurt.
As for charismatic, I can't imagine where in the world she pulled that one from. Perhaps one of those hats worn to the Royal wedding this past Friday....
And I don't even think I'll address the other, at least not in this paragraph.
Even as I write this I'm feeling oddly lost, as if unsure as to what to put, and wondering what exactly the reaction will be, if ever this is read by those I know.
For those who seem to think I am as attractive as they perceive.. I'd love for them to see me through my own eyes. I find myself terribly bland, nothing memorable. Yes, my sense of dressing and cosmetics is firmly rooted in the out-of-norm, which could be seen as cute, I'd suppose.
Self confidence.. I have a lack of ability in my smarts, though that's another thing others are so convinced of, and yes, yes I know you have the proof, but it isn't as if school comes terribly easy. Though to have survived over eleven years, I'd imagine I'd have to have some intelligence.
And for the clingy... I've only so far met one person who didn't mind, and I'm sure they know who they are, heaven forbid they ever read this. I think it can be considered darling, but in the end, can one really survive with another, thriving off of physical and vocal affection?
Ending said rant of my faults, then we're to move on to what I want.
Asking myself that particular question reaps odd thoughts. I can't be entirely sure, though the things weighing most upon my mind these days, firstly, is the want for someone to love who can return that affection whole-heartedly and without hesitation, and put me utterly first. To consider my feelings before even asking that dreaded question of "can I go play my game?" when perhaps I haven't had the best day, or am particularly tired, clingy or any other similar state. I would give my right arm for someone who would accept my career path, and support me through it, show an interest. Is it truly too much to want to be treated like a [minor] princess by someone, to be loved? In retrospect, no relationship that I've been a part of have I had that position for more than perhaps a month before the... reverence for the feelings held for each other began to fade, and thus the relationship crumbled.
Secondly.. I want a new start, a change from the world that I've made for myself here, and escape from the goody-goody [utter lies] girl I appear to be to most of those I know. [Here there was more but the computer decided to eat it and there was nothing I do to retrieve it, sadly.]
I almost want to be bad, to for once not be the wallflower. You see, I love to watch people be stupid and do stupid things, but for once it might be nice to join in on the not quite as stupid shenanigans that go on. I do quite adore being on the sidelines and watching, thinking to myself, dreaming.. but wouldn't it be nice to be part of the fun for at least one day?
And lastly, though no less strongly than the others.. I want to escape the life I've set up here. I want away from the familiar city, state, country. I want an adventure away from the known and into the unknown, to be uncertain about something.
You see.. deep inside I'm really not all you all may think I am. I want romance and love, I want uncertainty and fun, fear, something just different. I love you all equally and greatly, though some in different ways than others, but can you blame me for seeing myself the way this way, and for longing for the things I do?
